“NEW YORK—At a press conference Monday, representatives of the Association of
American Dogs announced that the nation’s canines are dangerously
underpetted. “Every night, thousands of U.S. dogs go to bed without so much
as a scritch behind the ears,” AAD president Banjo said. “If this sort of
neglect from our masters continues, it could lead to widespread jumping on
the furniture.” Upon his owner’s arrival in the press-conference room, Banjo
abruptly ended his speech, frantically barking, leaping, and rolling over on
his back in an effort to communicate his need for a vigorous belly rub.”